My Lazy

My Lazy is a constant, passive lazy; meaning My Lazy is not the kind that keeps me from good hygiene or catapults me toward certain homelessness. Rather, My Lazy is what allows me to wear perfectly co-coordinated, pen-marked ties with my expensive, wrinkly shirts everyday at work. An objective observer might classify My Lazy as a certain lack of follow-through. I prefer to believe that I simply can't be bothered with specifics. I am an idea man. Need a vision? Come to me. Need a vision executed? I'll find someone who can handle that for you.

I am acutely aware of My Lazy, and on a day-to-day basis have learned to cope with it. The unfortunate thing about My Lazy is that all too often it gets me into trouble. For instance, when I get into a relationship that I know from the beginning is destined to end, but can't get out. It is also what allows me to stumble along in the world of retail management instead of trying to find a career I might actually enjoy. And it is what prevents me from pursuing some of my more complicated interests - the ones that might call for even a smudge of dedication. It is the mosquito that ruins my gay parade.

It's not that I'm unhappy per se. I've got friends to remind me that there is more to life than a career. It's more dissatisfaction with the way I have played my hand since leaving university. But it's a lazy dissatisfaction. Just as I often do in my work, I have correctly analyzed the problem (if you will), but can't be bothered to execute the solution.

I've been thinking about this since reading Augusten Burroughs. I am envious of both him and Sedaris. While these two writers have distinct styles, they do share a few common themes. For both men, it seems as if they share something at least similar to My Lazy. It's easy to read Sedaris and think of him as a scavenger - a nomad who just happened to strike oil. Burroughs has more professional drive, but writes about his relationships in the same manner. He seemed to float through guy after guy until stumbling into someone decent.

Of course, neither of these portrayals is accurate. It is just not possible to become a well-known, successful writer unless you have both talent and drive. And I'm fairly sure most successful relationships require more than a passing interest. And this is the problem. This is where my personal 'gay dream' is destroyed.

The inherent fallacy of the worlds these writers have created for us is just too appealing to me. I can't help but tell myself "Look, if Sedaris can fumble through years of insignificance and then suddenly have everything fall into place, well then why shouldn't I believe that might happen to me." What is wrong with this kind of thinking, of course, is that Sedaris no doubt did not just fall into success. He may have been 'discovered' initially, but even if your talent is discovered, you still have to do work to become as well known as he is.

At one time I did feel as though I should be well respected for something, or at least well known. Now I realize that I am not talented enough, nor do I have the passion needed to truly become meaningful on a popular scale. It's fine, not everyone can be Dick Van Dyke. Although I'm not sure who would want to be. So what I am left with is a small group of dedicated friends, a crappy retail job, and My Lazy.