Like Sand Through the Hourglass

Damn the scientific method and it's fundamental quantities!

I've been thinking a lot about time recently. Its one of those subjects that can really mess with you. What makes time so confusing is that you cannot define it. You can only measure it. Its hard to even describe time without making reference to time itself. A second is what exactly? The best definition of a second available uses a relative term: 'oscillate' Which in mathematics may or may not imply periodicity.

Not to mention our abstract brains have two methods of trying to comprehend time. One being the passing of intervals (ie seconds, minutes, hours, days, etc). The other being a broader application designed to help comprehend the passage of all existence. Chronology of time if you will.

Its a similar problem I have with language, where the definition is really just a synonym. If you keep looking up definitions, eventually you are bound to get referred to the original word you sought to understand.

Similarly, the dictionary definition of 'tautology' contains its own tautological error.

Godspeed you Salesman

Today a lanky, bearded, white man carrying a Bible stopped me in the mall and asked me if I kept my business options open for "how I earn cash aside from my full-time job." I politely told him that I was not currently seeking any business opportunities to which he replied "well I just though I'd ask. You look like a striking young man." If I'd had more time I would have carried on with him just to find out how exactly I could get rich from bible dude.

Reversi

Bizarre traffic day in the cities. I live in Downtown Minneapolis, and commute to the suburbs for work every day. Usually I've got the advantage, as most people are trying to fit into downtown while I am going to work, and similarly I am driving into the city during the evening rush hour (although that one is complicated a bit by the giant clusterfu*k that is the 35/94 commons - what a stupid design for a freeway).

This morning, it was as if the mayor had released an emergency proclamation ordering everyone out of the city at exactly 8:30. Very strange. There was no discernible reason for my extra-long commute today. No accident, no inclement weather, no million -man-march-like protest down the middle of 35W. It just was.

We should have more projects like this one. I'm especially keen on one that stops directly in front of my place, and takes me directly to my place of work. Someone get on that. (Get it?)

Made in Public Television

Thanks to inspector #24 and builder #32 for ensuring that my new counter-height bar stools are made with the quality and precision you would expect from www.allbarstools.com


I'm excited, but still no dining table.

I Want My Baby Back

Down Syndrome is not funny. But an actor pretending to have DS on Law & Order SVU? Thats kinda funny. In the same way its funny that Dick VanDyke pretends to be British.

Diagnosis: Murder

Vivi Come Back

Not sure if you heard or not, but the champion whippet Vivi has gone missing from JFK airport in New York after the famous Westminster dog show. The search involves an alleged animal communicator. She was on Countdown with Keith Olberman this evening explaining how little Vivi was feeling. (Cold and Wet, surprisingly) Here is the official AP story if you'd like more details.

If poor Vivi is cold and wet tonight I guess she wandered out of the building she was in earlier.

In case you are wondering, the pictured whippet is NOT Vivi, rather Ben and the Rock's lovely pooch Windsor. He's a real cutie if you like skeletons.

Lost

I can't find my car keys.

That would be my spare set of car keys, as I've already ruined the initial set. Luckily I still have the valet key. But this is not a serious long-term option. I wonder if the dealership will sell me a replacement set? If they do I'm sure it will cost a bundle.

I even walked down to the 19 just now to see if I may have left them at the bar last night in my drunken state. But no, no keys there.

Sonofa

Cheers!

One of the things about living three blocks form a bar you don't mind going to so much is that you end up there all by your lonesome occasionally. This is what happened tonight. Only I was not alone for long. Here's a shout out to new acquaintances: Dana, Brandon, Ceygant, Mark, Andrew, & Matt. I salute you. May you all become faithlful patriots, and for god's sake, post some comments will ya? This site is getting boring with only my ranting to sustain it!

16 tons

I have tomorrow off work, and then begin a rather grueling stretch of 9 days in a row. Just to get a three day weekend two weeks from now. I have friends who work 7 days in a row, and then get 7 off. Something's not right here.

My barstools were shipped today, so with any luck I'll have 'em in time for said 3-day weekend. Still looking for the elusive dining room table though. I am very particular about this table, and wish to spend as little as possible while maintaining some sort of materialistic integrity.



By the way, the table pictured is nothing like what I want, but I do know someone who had chairs almost identical to the ones in the photo. They were bizarre and uncomfortable, and awkward because the person who owned them thought the world of them. I guess we just have different tastes.

Arabian Nights

Considering my remarkable ability to alienate people, you'd think I'd be used to being alone most of the time. Unwarranted sexual advances do volumes for minimizing social obligations after all. And yet I have never found a good way to pass my time alone.

I was feeling a bit down in the dumps Friday night. The temperature outside approaching -500,000,000 F and all of my friends either working or otherwise not 'engaging' me (i.e. not returning my phone calls). So I said "To Hell with It" and settled in for a four hour journey through Northern Africa.

Its been a couple of years since I last saw Lawrence of Arabia. Man, what a fun movie to watch by yourself. Perfect really. Lots of vivid imagery and Peter O'tool's shockingly homoerotic portrayal of T.E. Lawrence. Really, for a movie filmed in 1962 its amazing how gay he plays it.

I am surprised in a way that I like this movie. There is no real plot to speak of, the characters aren't developed in any spectacular way, its just a long morality play minus the morality. Just some great pictures of the desert with funny dialogue and a catchy soundtrack.

I think I like it partially because it represents the kind of indulgence that can only be created today by the richest of filmmakers. And even the richest, most respected filmmaker of our time would have trouble getting backing for a similar project.

I also like the film because sometimes a long story is just a long story. There is something quaint about spending 4 hours watching a film with no discernible meaning or important message. Its just pure entertainment.

And I need to be entertained.

It Couldn't Hurt

Details from Drew re: bizarre text message. Apparently he was at some bar in Denver that gets over-run with "the gays" after a certain hour. The place transforms into something which sounds a bit like the bar from that terrible movie "Broken Hearts Club;" complete with bad drag-queen hostess.

Anyway, there's a whole program. And part of the nightly ordeal is a mock game of Family feud featuring the usual double-entendre associated with drag queens. So that's that. Turns out the message was pretty literal.


Speaking of Family Feud, one of the funniest clips from old games shows I've ever seen comes from an episode of said show. During the final round, where the contestants try to give the most popular answers to 5 poll questions, the finalist kept answering "Turkey" for all of the questions. Doesn't translate well to text, but very funny nonetheless.

SURVEY SAYS!

Now Here's What's Happening in Your Neck of the Woods...

Television.

You may not notice it, but every weekday morning the once-fat-now-thin weatherman Al Roker uses this phrase 8 times during the Today show.

This exact phase.

Twice every hour. Once at about 8 minutes past, and again about 38 minutes past the hour.

It's a cue. A signal to the local affiliates to < INSERT LOCAL WEATHER HERE >.

Its rare for a television or radio program to use audible cues because these days the object interpreting the cue is almost always a machine. But there are some exceptions, and the Today show is one.

The Today show producers either cannot or choose not to time their news segments to be exactly the same every day. Thus, the actual hit for the local weather varies. (You'll notice the "about" in the paragraph above). Hence the audible cue. Although they could just as easily put an inaudible hit into the live feed for the machines that make your tv so pretty, but that is a different matter entirely.

NPR uses some audible cues as well, although theirs are typically less creative. For instance, every NPR newscast starts at 1 minute past the hour (or half hour), and at exactly 4 minutes past the hour you will hear the announcer say something like "This is NPR News." Then, depending on what part of the country you live in, you will either her local news headline or more national/business news.

Back to the Today show. A bit of tradition. You may hear Katie or Matt occasionally say "but first, this is Today on NBC." This actually used to be a signal to local stations that a local commercial break was upcoming. It has been replaced by an inaudible cue, but the words remain as an homage to the wonderfulness of broadcast television or something like that.

Can You Believe It?

Santino, Chloe, and Daniel V. are going to Olympus Fashion Week.

Even though I only correctly predicted one of the finalists, I am sticking with my man. My pick for this year's winner of Project Runway is Daniel V.

Chloe will turn in a highly competitive collection as well, but my gut feeling is that Santino will be a non-factor. I am predicting MOTS from him, and I think the judges are tired of his attitude.

**Mcmcmcly is Senior Editor of BarebackMonkeys.com. He joins us every Thursday to discuss Project Runway, and the business of Project Runway**

Southwest, Full Stop

Thanks to "Two Thumbs" Joe, the rest of the infamous SW corner pics are available! Look for your SOUTHWEST CORNER MOMENT HERE!

How many of the people from these photos do you think I've had sex with? I'll give you a hint. I have not had sex with Carrie.
<-----------------------

Happy V-L day

Here's one of my favorite terrible jokes:

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel in his pants. The bartender says "Hey pirate! Do you know you have a steering wheel in your pants?" The pirate replies "Arrrgh, its driving me' nuts!"


Apologies.

Einmal ist keinmal

What is the meaning of life anyway?

Does anyone else think language is a terrible means of expressing feeling? Its just too constricted to ever completely relate a person's frame of reference.

What is perception, and is it experienced similarly by all persons or uniquely by the individual?

If we're searching for happy endings but have already cast off meaning, then we're not really searching for anything at all right?

If we were born to die, why live at all?

Who has my copy of I (heart) Huckabees? I need some answers!

Headache? Try BM

Our store is a pretty diverse place. Minneapolis is home to a large Somali refugee population, and a number of them work for us. Its great.

Yesterday, one of the Somali girls who works for me was explaining that after work the previous day she had a headache, but "went home from work, had a BM and then it went away. It was nice." I looked at her curiously. Instinctively realizing that I didn't understand her she repeated "BM!, BM!"

This makes a lot of sense, but I was sure she wasn't trying to tell me that her headache went away after a nice shit. Just a hunch, but she's a little too shy for that kind of talk around me. Seriously, what did she mean?

Turns out she was talking about Tylenol PM. Who would have thought.

Do you think it will help?

Cryptic text message from Drew last night:

Had a too many drinks...stuck at a gay family feud.

Awaiting details.

Lascia tutti andare alle Olimpiadi

Some Olympic events just don't translate well on television. I am thinking specifically of Luge at the moment because it is what happens to be in the background. Its hard to capture a continuous image of a sled barreling down a chute at more than 80 mph. The shots are all blurry, the curves go by so quickly that often the sledder is left to right in one cut, while in the next he/she is miraculously moving right to left, and no shot lasts more then a couple of seconds. If it's that hard to watch, think how much more difficult it would be to direct.

Also, I noticed earlier today while watching the speed skating competitions that the cameraman was swaying back and forth with the skater's leg motions. Once you noticed the camera was moving around like this it became nauseating.

Overall though, I think the Olympics are pretty great. I'm not one for the dramatic stories, and hyperbolic excesses of the announcers. But the pure sport of it is fun to watch, especially since most Olympic sports are not all that popular in the US. It's fun to see what the rest of the world is into every once in a while you know.

We Should Have a Subway

Cupcake has been writing about chance meetings and bizarre happenings in or around the subway quite a bit recently. I'm sentimental for a city that is large enough to actually need a subway, but really what city logically needs underground transportation more urgently than Minneapolis? If you're thinking Toronto, they've already got it.

Hear me out:

We live in the coldest city in the United States.

The combined cities of Mpls/St Paul ranked 23 in the US in terms of land area in 1990, and that figure doesn't include the entire metro which I would unofficially label as the biggest urban sprawl disaster since Los Angeles. Seriously, almost 6000 square miles of Minnesota is wasted on places like Anoka & Woodbury.

Plus, riding on Subways is a lot of fun. Way more fun than taking a bus. Ever see a mime at a bus stop? Ever witness a suicide by bus? Does anyone ever have sex on an empty M22? Nah. But these things happen with subways.

Granted, one could argue that a subway plan would never get funding; seeing as how we are too cheap for light rail. But we have a reputation as a progressive kind of city. Can you think of a more progressive policy for the Mid-west? Really, it makes tons of sense.

Who's with me?

Robbers!

The building in which I live recently purchased two expensive flat screen televisions. (Does it bother anyone else that I instinctively wanted to capitalize "television?"). One was for the game room, and the other was put in the fitness room. Last night both televisions were stolen.

What had happened was, a couple of guys followed someone into the building late last night, waited for them to disappear, and then removed both TV's from the wall and walked out the front door with them. And that's what had happened.

I will now lock my door any time I leave my apartment for any reason, even if just to walk down the hallway to the trash chute.

Shameful.

Lazy

Can't be bothered to come up with something of my own today, so try this for a simple diversion.

And now for Something Completely Different

My eurotrash friend Tom "Ox-Tail Soup" H., daughter of Roseanne, has recently threatened to post a rather humiliating story about me in the comments section of this here blog. Of course, that presumes he will ever actually admit to reading this drivel. Anyway, here's the actual threat:

Otherwise I will just carry on pretending I don't read your blog and
tempt myself to tell America the reason why the communal dustpan and brush suddenly became unusable one wintry evening in Swansea.

I post this here not to pre-empt any attack Tom may attempt on my character, but rather to challenge him to post his full version of the events of that wintry night. (Also, I remember approximately 10% of the evening in question). I think there may be a Goth bar involved. At such time as Tom decides to recollect the evening within these pages, I will defend my honour. But not a second before.

Terms of Endearment

The homo v. jesus debate has heated up recently over on Eleventh Ave South. I'm staying out of it because I generally prefer to only argue semantics. That is, I enjoy arguing with folk who have similar, nuanced views from my own. I get into one of those "opposing moral vales" debates and my head starts spinning.

There are some subjects upon which I cannot escape putting in a word or two. This is a n excerpt from a comment in the article above. To be fair, you should read the whole post to get the correct context, but in an effort to conserve space (and your interest) I'll just extract the part I take issue with most severely:

The difference between true fundamentalist Christianity and fundamentalist Islam is that no fundamentalist Christian would take his words "we probably shouldn't firebomb their offices," as anything but hyperbole. He has publicly published his views on the immorality of resulting to violence on his weblog.

I believe this comment to be grossly inaccurate. One does not have to look outside our own country to find evidence to the contrary. Timothy McVeigh comes to mind, as well as countless people who have carried out attacks on Planned Parenthood locations across the US. And really, Pat Robertson's praying for the deaths of Supreme Court justices could be interpreted as a call to action by some fundamentalists. It's not that far from the kind of inciteful speech that allows prosecutors to go after KKK members and Neo-Nazis.

Look outside the US and there is even more evidence. The countless people who have killed in the name of catholicism or protestantism in Ireland as just one example. In actuality, any perceived difference between religious fundamentalists is probably an expression of two distinct differences: 1) The difference in education levels between alleged fundamentalist groups and 2) The difference in capability of action. That is to say, a fundamentalist in the US is more likely to be constrained in his actions by both the government and societal laws in general than a fundamentalist in a developing nation-state.

As a hypothetical, would people like Pat Robertson call for more violence if they knew the consequence would be something less than outrage? Would their followers be more inclined to act if they thought they could get away with it? Or if they felt their situation was so unfair as to warrant any consequence the government/society could impose?

Retail Defecation

David Sedaris has a good bit about retail defecation. I know it sounds strange, but if you ask anyone who has worked extensively in the field you will certainly hear an entertaining story. This kind of thing is usually attributed to either the very old or the very young. But occasionally a nice turd shoes up somewhere in the store thanks to one of our demented, malicious, or angry customers.

I bring this up because today a little boy pissed on one of the ottomans from the home department. It's no shit, but a coordinating separate if you will. Luckily we also sell a pet urine eliminator in the home department. A couple of spritzs and the ottoman was as good as new.

In other news of the bizarre, today our security team stopped a man trying to leave the store wearing a pair of pants he hadn't purchased. The man was very drunk, and could not remember where he put the pants he wore into the store. One of our supervisors had to search all the fitting rooms to try to find this man's pants. She couldn't. I didn't stick around to see the end of this story, but the image of our security team escorting a pant-less man out of the store is a good enough ending for me.

You are like Chiffon, I can see right through You

I think this is pretty fascinating.

Qu'est que vous fait le weekend?

I'll tell you what I did. I went shopping. To the Room & Board outlet. Not once, but twice. And did I buy anything? Well no. But I did see these bar stools, which would be perfect for my new place, if they weren't $170 each. Damn.

I spent Saturday night with myself and Woody Allen. Crimes and Misdemeanors to be exact. What a fun movie. I'm not certain about this, but I think the mother from Six Feet Under, Ruth, has a small part in the film. I'm pretty sure she is the woman who now lives in the childhood home of Judah and Jack.

Comedy = Tragedy + Time.
He tied me up and then he went to the bathroom on me.
If it bends it's funny, if it breaks it's not funny.

Sunday was reserved for an outing to Target, Costco, Home Depot, and the second trip to the R&B outlet. Plus Rick and Joe came over to watch the least anticipated Superbowl ever. My vote for the best commercial goes to the Sprint/Nextel one with the Benny Hill reference. Funny stuff. Everything else about that 5 hour pageant was crap.

Homeland Surveillance

I heard this story on Wait, Wait today. Apparently, the Georgia Department of Homeland Security and the FBI have been monitoring a group of vegans in Atlanta as potential 'threats' to national security. They even arrested one of the protestors after she wrote down the license plate number of the undercover officer's car. (Georgia ACLU)

I can understand why some people feel it is necessary to spy on US Citizens in order to protect the country from a terrorist attack. But then the government goes and does something stupid like this, and reminds all of exactly why we must be so vigilant about protecting civil liberties. Understandably, we don't know all the details of this case. The arrested individuals may have been monitored for some legitimate reason that is as yet undisclosed. But certainly the arrest seems to be illegal.

If it is true that they were being monitored exclusively because they are vegan, then you have to wonder who exactly made the decision to watch these people. Is there no oversight at all? Surely someone in the chain at the FBI would realize this is not a serious threat right? I mean what exactly are they worried about? Vegans exploding bombs outside McDonald's? Even if something like that were to happen, its not likely to be supported by any kind of conventional terrorist cell, it would likely be the work of one or two complete wonks right? I just don't get it.

The New Way?

There's a lot of really interesting politic going on in the countries of South America these days. New nemesis of the Bush administration, Hugo Chavez, today announced he was expelling a ranking US military officer from Venezuela for allegedly spying. Its unclear what the US reaction will be, although we have quite naturally denied any possible wrong-doing.

Chavez represents what I would call the 'old way' of the left-leaning Latin America. His abrasive, isolationist, proletariat v. bourgeoisie style just doesn't cut it in a world where the terrible evil of the Communist state has already been defeated (except for China, of course, but that's a different post). When the whole middle class can now be categorized as at least semi-bourgeoisie, its hard to keep fighting so literally for the little guy. Plus, giant state-owned conglomerates have proven equally, if not more, inefficient than free-market corporations.

That's not to say that people who believe there is an imbalance in the world's economy should just shrug their shoulders and go back to work in the west virginia mines. Fear not ye labourers, the New Way has emerged!




The election of Michelle Bachelet in Chile marks what may be a new twist on socialism (or what used to be called socialism anyway). Here we have a center-left candidate who generally believes in free markets, realizes their shortcomings, and therefore appreciates the ability of a substantial State to help remove inequalities and make peoples daily lives a little bit better. There really is a middle ground between State-owned Monopolies and having no State to speak of (as some in the US would have it).

To be fair, the ideas of communism and socialism were allowed more 'room to grow' in places like South America than they were here in the US. I think here this kind of political strategy would be called "populist" and obviously one could argue that Kerry lost the last election on a populist platform. I rather think Kerry lost the election because he was too articulate for his own good. You just never felt he really believed anything he was saying as a candidate.

Ask your neighbor what he would think about a job where he was more than a .0009% stakeholder. Or if she thinks the government has a responsibility to help provide certain of the most basic needs to individuals. Or if they think being able to effectively compete for jobs in a global economy is important. My money is that most people would be inclined to a positive reaction.

The left doesn't all have to be about gay marriage, or raising your taxes, or obstructionist trade policies. There are sustainable, alternative theories that will appeal to the American public. Now we just need a candidate with the courage to lead a "New Way."

Obama anyone?

Skeletons & Closets

It's time I tell you all about one of my well-kept secrets. In college I was in Marching band. That's right, in college. And it was not just any marching band, it was the Iowa State University Cyclone Football "Varsity" Marching Band! (ISUCFVMB) I even have pictures to prove it. Don't I look totally rad?







This all comes up because a long lost friend of mine from said marching band has resurfaced. And as luck would have it, he's right here in the Twin Cities. The day before what is now my 'old' computer crashed, Rick sent me an Instant Message. A remarkable coincidence not only because of the unforeseeable upcoming computer crash, but also because I hadn't seriously used IM in about 2 years.

Rick and I went out last Friday with Chad, Justin, and Corey. Naturally the subject of how we knew one another came up and the boys were shocked to hear that I actually had interests aside from bitching about work - even if those interests had waned several years before. So there you have it, I used to be in a marching band. But hey, at least I wasn't in a college show choir like Chad.

Just for fun, this video is an amazing bit of ISUCFVMB history. It's bizarre, and it is about 13 minutes of your life you will never get back but pretty interesting even if you aren't into that whole "marching around in formation" thing. Seriously, check it out.

Project Runway Comes Out

Not that it's a shocker or anything to learn that the majority of the male designers on PR2 are gay, but tonight was PR2's coming out party! We learned all about Daniel V.'s tough life as a white, middle class gay dude. Pity for him. Of course, Nick was there to join the party as well. And even Tim Gunn was not spared implication. Santino did a pretty funny bit about Andre and Tim on a date at Red Lobster - very much in the vein of something Drew, Joe, and I would come up with if we happened to be contestants. Great Television.

As an update, two of my picks for the final three are still in the mix. Zulema made her exit last week, and Nick is teetering on the edge with Santino. Daniel V on the other hand is almost a lock for the final 3. He just keeps impressing the judges. Allright!

Enough ranting about reality TV.