Slanginess

Drew and I work for the same company - I got him his start. But now he's graduated from the management training program, and we're essentially on equal footing. This means its time for a friendly wager. We decided on a race to see who could climb the retail version of the corporate ladder most quickly.

The details are still a little sketchy. That is, I'm not sure what Drew will have to buy/give me when I win yet. I imagine we'll work that out when he comes to visit in early October. There should be no shock to learn that my plan is to eat ass and suck dick all the way to the top, and then wipe the shit and cum off my face with $1,000,000 bills. So Drew, you'll have to come up with a different plan.

Wow, that sentence was sure fun to write. I hope you enjoy reading it. Is it too vulgar? Or just too honest? Remember what it was like to be young and idealistic and feel like you had the whole world in the palm of your hand? Neither do I.

Anyway enough rambling, and on to the point: Our jobs have gone through an equally slow and yet painfully sudden change. Where sales managers were once were empowered to make important decisions about the growth of their business, we now have pom poms, leggings and short, short skirts.

We're executioners dressed up as cheerleaders; all the while screaming "Isn't our company great!?!"

I love it.

Seriously it is a lot of fun.

But sometimes it's hard to find new ways to motivate your team to do the exact same tasks they've been doing for weeks-if-not-months. That's really where the fun comes in, and Drew and I seem to use at least one similar tactic:

INCORPORATE POP-CULTURE REFERENCES

Drew spent weeks telling people "It sizes and colorizes, or else it gets the hose again!" I'm pretty sure no one ever got it, but they we're sufficiently creeped out to speedily run away and find a project.

I started my pop culture reference with "Make it Work." Apparently no one on my team is a big Project Runway fan. So I've switched it up a bit, and gone with a commercial. So now when someone looks as though he's up to no good: "You agitatin' my dots!?!" I say, and laughs ensue.

Another great technique:

EMPOWERING YOUR TEAM

In attempting to delegate without having to give step-by-step instructions, Drew and I have developed remarkably similar phrases.

His: "Make it look like it was done on purpose."

Mine: "Make it look like you meant to do that."

So basically its a dead heat. Check back in 10 years or so, and we'll see who's really the top in this relationship.


*Apologies to Drew for having ripped off his TM catch-phrases, for accusing him of being a shit eating yuppie, and for implying consensual sex might someday occur between the two of us.