Things to Do

Party like its 1999

Get my own basket

Yakov Smirnoff

Become 27

Plan for Retirement

The Beatification

The winningest player in the history of Drake Women's Tennis (or something like that) has finally gotten what she deserved - a larger-than-life poster of herself hanging from the rafters of the famous Knapp Center on the campus of Drake University in Des Moines, Iowa.

Here's a photo:

Seriously, that thing is huge.

Belated pics from Rajasree-fest 2007

Happy birthday to you.
Happy Birthday to you.
Happy birthday dear Rock,
Happy birthday to you.


I really did mean to take more pictures that night. Also in attendance, although not pictured: Will, Joe H, Tom O, Me. Sorry guys - you'll just have to use your imagination.





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Distractions

In college we used to produce a show on our student-run television station called Distraction. It was basically as the name suggests. A little TV to have on in the background. At the same time it made for a great semi avant-guard art project. My idea, never realized, was to drive around on the freeway filming out the front windshield - complete with indie pop soundtrack, naturally.

That said, here's a few Web Distractions. Be warned, these are mostly lame.

MC Finger Fly?

MC Hawking videos

Eats Shoots & Leaves

Extreme Sleepwalking

We now return to your regularly scheduled life.

Congratulations!

Hey, you are reading the 100th posting on The Patriots of Europe! Yay me. I'd like to thank everyone for sticking in whilst I ramble away regarding subjects about which you couldn't care less. Here's some balloons:

And in this Corner

It can't be put off any longer.

Most of you know that the formerly crazy, closeted, jackass, uptight, Republican Tom and I recently renewed our personal interest in one another (we're snogging - a term much less explicit than its incantation implies. Don't believe me? Look it up!). Nowadays, Tom is crazy, out of the closet, considerably less of a jackass, laid back, fun, and still possibly Republican. Well, we can't all be perfect.

As it turns out, Tom has a blog as well! Only he isn't as, err, 'productive' with his postings as I. If you enjoy or think you might enjoy reading about life as a grad student in Chicago, gossip on local and national broadcast celebrities, and/or working at Target, then you should read Tom's blog.

Despite multiple petitions for a name change, you can read about Tom's life (or something like it) at EVEN MORE FAIR AND BALANCED.

Be warned though, Tom (thinks) he knows more than you about everything. That's why we get on so well.

Oh, and leave the poor boy some comments. He's lonely out there in Chicgoland.

Blackout

The phones were not working yesterday at my store. A serious annoyance for many people. Yes, we have radios, but we don't have enough for the entire store. Because I typically don't carry a radio, my day was noticeably more hassle free then a normal day at the office. No calls. It was nice.

Some though, had a tougher go of it.

Overheard yesterday (literally overheard I mean -- this went out over the PA system in our store):

Attention associates, Michelle would you please...ummm....I think they need you over in...why don't you just...well you cant call the operator because the phones aren't working...umm...just come up and see the operator when you get a chance.

I nearly fell over laughing when I heard this. Maybe you had to be there.

The Turnaround

Father Abraham had many sons
Many sons had Father Abraham
I am one of them
and so are you
so lets all Praise the Lord

Right Arm

Father Abraham had many sons
Many sons had Father Abraham
I am one of them
and so are you
so lets all Praise the Lord

Right Arm
Left Arm

Father Abraham had many sons
Many sons had Father Abraham
I am one of them
and so are you
so lets all Praise the Lord

Right Arm
Left Arm
Right Foot

Father Abraham had many sons
Many sons had Father Abraham
I am one of them
and so are you
so lets all Praise the Lord

Right Arm
Left Arm
Right Foot
Left Foot

Father Abraham had many sons
Many sons had Father Abraham
I am one of them
and so are you
so lets all Praise the Lord

Right Arm
Left Arm
Right Foot
Left Foot
Stand Up

Father Abraham had many sons
Many sons had Father Abraham
I am one of them
and so are you
so lets all Praise the Lord

Right Arm
Left Arm
Right Foot
Left Foot
Stand Up
Turn Around

Father Abraham had many sons
Many sons had Father Abraham
I am one of them
and so are you
so lets all Praise the Lord

Right Arm
Left Arm
Right Foot
Left Foot
Stand Up
Turn Around
Sit Down!

Motion Tabled

Alternate Post Title:
The Splendid Table

Finally, I have a dining room table! What's more, its the exact one I have been trying to find at the Room and Board outlet for nearly two months. I had a premonition before stepping in that today was the day, and lo and behold, there she was. Waiting for me. I may now rest in peace.

NC2What?

Tumultuous day for college basketball teams in the state of Iowa. On the day my alma matter fires its head coach, our rival university falls victim to one of the worst upsets in the men's basketball tournament since Iowa State v. Hampton, and the University of Northern Iowa loses as well.

Having witnessed the ISU/Hampton game in person, I have to say I empathize with Iowa fans. There's no worse feeling in college sports than being the big guy whose getting beaten up on by the little guy in a foreign gym where the entire crowd is cheering against you. People love an underdog, and for an ISU fan who is used to being one, it was a strange feeling knowing that so many people were cheering against your team.

As for the firing of ISU head coach, Wayne Morgan, I guess I'm of two minds. Firstly, it feels like the guy didn't really get a fair shake. He did have a fairly decent record in just three years, and even had some successes. At the same time, this year's team definitely under-achieved, and you could sense a real lack of discipline from our players. Ultimately, I think losing Morgan will hurt recruiting, but the right coach could make up for it by building us into more of a cohesive team (as opposed to a collection of talented players).

There you go. Bet you didn't think I'd ever write about college sports huh?

Books I Like to Like

My high school literature teacher, Mr Prahl, was the kind of man who would say "You don't ask a person if they've read Crime & Punishment, you ask him if he's read Crime & Punishment recently." The same teacher gave the graduating seniors who took his class an honorary membership in the 'Dead Poets Society.' It sounds cheesy, but he made you feel honored.

How he would be ashamed of me now.

I have not read Crime & Punishment recently. These days I get my reading inspiration from NPR programs that I thoroughly enjoy and yet somehow never make time to hear. Specifically, if you are not an author featured on This American Life, I probably have never heard of you.

And even with my singular source for belle lettres entertainment, I'm still 5 years behind the rest of the Public Radio listening world. So what I'm getting to is the book I'm enjoying now: Sarah Vowell's Assassination Vacation.

Reading this book is a lot of fun. I'm a bit of a nut when it comes to history, especially anecdotal history. I love being able to tell people that Robert Todd Lincoln, son of President Abraham Lincoln, witnessed not only his father's assassination, but also the assassinations of the next two US President's to be killed in office. The whole experience has inspired me to unearth some great stories about the statue-people of Minneapolis.

Only it turns out we just don't have that many statues here. At least not of famous r even semi-famous people for that matter. My next tract is to find hidden-gem-of-a-stories involving the intertwined lives of people for whom streets are named after in Minneapolis. Hopefully I'll find out that Father Hennepin christened Joseph Nicollet's baby or something like that.

Just One Calorie

Today I saw a grown man pull a cart with a giant decorative Easter egg on it through the centre court at the mall. Every time I see over-sized holiday decorations I think of The Santaland Diaries, and can't help but chuckle a wee bit.

My boss also took time to tell me that I'm (unofficially) officially #3 on our District Manager's list of people to promote. I imagine there being a real list looking something like this:

PEOPLE I SHOULD THINK ABOUT PROMOTING
(in order of importance)

1) Irving Berlin

2) Dr. Quinn (medicine woman)

3) Dave

Since the people on the list are either dead or fictional I think it's safe to assume I'll be keeping the same job for a while longer.

Drew's the Best

Those of you who know me well know that I am not a master of the culinary arts. Surprise! I bought a new set of pots and pans today. The brand new JCP private brand "Cooks" 10-piece hard-anodized set. They aren't the best pots in the world, but for the use I'll get out of them I figure I couldn't have found a better deal - what with my generous employee discount and all.



Because I am incapable of making any type of major purchase without consulting at least three people, I called Drew. This is when I heard the bad news. Cupcake has made her vacationing choice, and Denver wins out over Minneapolis. I suppose this is only fair seeing as how Nancy is Drew's friend, but I can't hide my disappointment. Nancy, think of all the fun people you know in Minneapolis. Not only me, but also Ben, Rajasree, Joe, etc. We're way more fun than Drew.

Whatever.

I Want to Ride My Bicycle

Is everybody sleeping? I've been tied up with work the past four days, no time for elaborate ranting. I'm somewhat embarrassed about leaving that Project Runway post front and center for so long now. Really though, I thought the whole fake gay thing would bring forth claims of my irrational state and a general sense of outrage amongst PoE readers. Frankly, I'm disappointed in the lot of you.

What Else is There to Watch?

Last night ended another season of everyone's favorite reality television program, Project Runway. Thanks to Hedi, Michael, Nina, and of course Tim Gunn for another unforgettable foray into the world of fashion design. I don't know how I'd make it through the winter without you.

And the winner is: Chloe!

A bit of a shocker that was. Poor Santino just can't please and boy did Daniel V. really step off course. I'm currently working out a thesis about the downfall of Daniel V on this season's PR. He was my early pick for the winner. Things were going well for young Daniel for a while, winning challenge after challenge.

I appreciated him for his creativity and almost complete lack of ego. Initially. There is a turning point near the end of the show, after he had won several challenges in a row, where he became less and less the humble boy and more and more the pompous ass. By the time he got 'round to designing his collection for fashion week, his head had swelled to ginomous proportions.

One of the cute things about Daniel V was his ability to completely BS the inspiration for his pieces. I could never tell if he actually had a theme and just executed it poorly, or if he just designed whatever felt good, and then tried to make up a story to suit it. Whichever is the case, his explanations throughout this season were almost always long-winded and without merit.

As Jay might say "The talk doesn't match the dress!" (Burner)

Also, I ran this rather controversial idea past Rick last night with little success but I'm going to expand upon it here: I think Daniel V is fake gay.

This is not a criticism about whether he fits a particular stereotype, rather, what I mean is I believe he may be faking gay in order to gain standing in the fashion industry. Sounds crazy huh, but with so many designers being homos its not out of the question for a young guy with aspirations toward fame would pull such a stunt.

Admittedly, I have little or no evidence to back up my claim. Its just a gut feeling. I sense Daniel V. is the type of person who changes direction with the wind. Right now he's into fashion, and if being gay gives him an advantage I think he'd go for it.

I have another hunch that the producers of Project Runway just might agree with me. Next time you find yourself watching a Project Runway marathon of Bravo, look for the endless shots of Daniel checking out women. They are all over the place.

Obviously its not for me to decide whether he passes the test. Sexual identity is deeply personal. I do not claim to have any insight into his psyche, and he may very well completely and truly identify as homosexual. If that is the case, good for him. I'm just offering another perspective. Its a fun topic of conversation - gets people really riled up. Try it.

Auf wiedersehen!

Artsy Fartsy

The Twin Cities newest art brothel, MPLS Gallery, opens its doors to the public this Friday evening from 6 - 10 PM. The Grand Opening will feature works by sometime PoE reader Will Ambrose, as well as 20-some other artist and designers. Or so I am told.


I strongly encourage you to attend if at all possible. Unfortunately, I will be at work until 11 PM Friday night, and am therefore unable to enjoy your company. Someone buy something for my walls. I promise to pay you back.

Buyer Beware

Just in case you forgot:



Just to confirm, thats www.condoqueen.com, despite my suggestive crop.

Oscarnation (I Can't Believe I Watched the Whole Thing!)

Crash?

I'll be the first to admit I haven't seen as many of the films nominated for this year's Academy Awards as I should have seen, but I have seen Crash. "Hated It."

The award for most entertaining bit goes to Stephen Colbert's voice during the fake commercials.

I really did watch the entire 3.5 hour broadcast. Its been a few years since I've endured the Oscars, and as I said to Joe as I left his apartment "Let's never do that again unless one of us in nominated for an award."

I had forgotten how excruciatingly boring it is to watch the Oscars. I've seen cliche movies about bad-boy racists saving the lives of black women trapped in a car after a freak accident that were more entertaining.

Puh-lease!

Waydowntown

Waydowntown was a small movie from 2000 which focused on several 20-somethings, living in Calgary, involved in a wager to see who could go the longest without stepping outside. The wager was made possible by Calgary's maze of skyways, which connect many of the downtown buildings. Its a fun movie, and hard to find on DVD but well worth it if you ever have a chance to see it.

I am reminded of the film because recent Minneapolite Rick was explaining yesterday his ability to travel form his apartment in Minnetonka to his place of work in downtown Minneapolis without ever needing to step outside. Thanks to his buildings underground parking, naturally.

Tomorrow Belongs To Me

I have a somewhat perverse obsession with German propaganda from WWII. Even when I was much younger I used to read books about Joseph Goebbels and Dr. Josef Mengele, aka "The Angel of Death." I'll let you figure out why this person is remembered by such a gruesome nickname. When I was studying in Europe I ended up taking a tour of the Dachau concentration camp, outside of Munich, on Easter Sunday. The timing was coincidental, but it certainly made the whole experience that much more creepy. At least in my head at the time it did.

Anyway, I've always been perplexed by the German publics ability to seemingly not notice the round-up and mass murder of millions of innocent people. Of course, I also understand the heavy pull of wanting to be apart of something bigger than oneself. That's why I am so fascinated by the German propaganda machine. If the propagandists were good at one thing, it was making an emotional connection.

Listen to the song in the link below and think about how it makes you feel. Festive, happy, boastful, proud, joyous? Everything is just peachy right?

Horst Wessel Lied

Now look at the lyrics of this song translated into English. Amazing how your mood immediately changes right?

Lyrics

Now think how you would feel if this was your only frame of reference. Most of the song's lyrics are not inherently evil. 'Bread for all,' 'fight for freedom,' 'soon we set things right.' If you have no alternative message, it seems reasonable a person might actually believe the Nazi's were the 'good guys.'

The End is Nigh

Today marked day #8 of my tedious 9-day stretch of consecutive working. The sun will come out tomorrow. For three days. And then back behind the clouds until the next significant period of time away form sales managing. To make matters worse, 5 of the 9 days have been closing shifts. This means I go to work between noon an 1 PM, and get home about 10:30 PM.

I close tomorrow night to finish off the extended week from hell. So far, the plan for the weekend is to get as drunk as humanly possible. Alas, most if not all of my Minneapolitan friends will be tending to their own careers this weekend. So unless any of ye faithful readers steps up to the plate I may be drinking alone.

Adding to my own personal corporate nightmare, I thought I had a decent chance of getting re-assigned to a different store by the end of this week. But my boss seemed pretty clueless when I talked to him about it yesterday. Oh well, I guess I'll have to be content selling a product I don't believe in to a customer I don't like in a store I'm not keen on to say the least. Who needs more money anyhow?

Its Peanut Butter/Jelly Time! (Peanut Butter Jelly with a Baseball Bat)

Ben and the Rock host a fabulous dinner party tonight featuring Joe's famous tortilla soup, some kind of pulled pork dish from Ben, and my contribution (a $40 cake - I hope there's a bar of silver in the middle). Plus some asparagus and other stuff no doubt. If I remember to take my camera I'll post some pictures of the festivities later tonight.

Speaking of cake, here is a picture of my friend Tom's confectionery rendition of R2D2:



Before you dole out any praise for this accomplishment, you should know that he used a cake mold of R2D2. I didn't know such a thing existed, but apparently he has a C3P0 mold as well.

The Amazing Adventures of 11 Couples Around the World in 80 Days and 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea in the Lost Colony of Atlantis

The Amazing Race.

Thanks to Rick, it seems I'm hooked on yet another in a series of reality television programs designed simply to pass the night away. Luckily, I've got nothing better to do. PR2 ends in two weeks, and then my weekly reality dose moves to Tuesday nights; featuring both American Idol and The Amazing Race. Who could ask for anything more?

In case you missed the first episode, these homos are totally eliminated.